Friday, July 15, 2011

The Tween Years - Issues with Lying

It is school holidays and this is the first week.  This week I have my step kids here as well as my 4 boys and the "floaters" that seem to come and go.  We have had sleepovers and generally just bummed around the house.  Pretty boring but pretty standard when Mr Autism is in the house and hubby has to work.  Due to the way Mr Autism is for me I cannot take him out which means we are housebound.  During this week the kids play way too much Xbox and watch way too much TV interspersed with bike riding and some baking etc.  But it is only for 5 days out of the holidays so I am okay with that.

Yesterday was a bad day, I had one of those moments where I was totally unsure of what to do and I exploded because Miss12 pushed my buttons in a major way. I don't like liars and I particularly don't like my own children blatantly lying.  Its not something I generally have to deal with, my kids have never been a problem in that area.  Miss12 on the other hand has been having issues at her mum's house in the same kind of way.  I had been happy that we hadn't had to deal with it here so far,,,,,,,,until yesterday.  I won't go in to all the boring details but it ended with her crying,,,,,alot,, and sneaking down to call her mum on her mobile phone.  I ranted and raved, not knowing that she was on her mobile phone to her mum so her mum heard all of my rant.  Not only did I catch her out lying to me, but then I also caught her as I found out, telling her mum that she was scared and she wanted her mum to pick her up because she was scared that I was going to tell her dad about what she did and he would hit her!!!  That is what pushed my buttons majorly.  How dare she accuse my Hubby of that!!!  Once she got off the phone, after I had spoken to her mum (speaking to her mum isn't something that I generally do! so that was interesting lol) I really let her have it and asked her if she knew what lies of that type could do.  She sat there crying and it broke my heart to see it but at the same time I was so incredibly angry at her.   I had told her mum that there was no hitting going on in the house and she said "don't worry I know I have been having issues with her lies too".

At the end of the day I told her dad the whole story and her mum called last night to talk to her to check she was okay and to talk to hubby.  She said she had told her that the lines of communication were now open and she would not be getting away with things like this any more.  Apparently at her mum's house she has been using the "I don't have to live here, I'm going to Dad's".  Now, we have never had a phone call (her mum would never allow that to happen,,,,but that is a whole other story lol) but I told hubby that he needs to say to her mum that that is precisely what should happen.  She wouldn't want to live here full time, she gets away with a lot more at her mum's.  Here, apparently, she has to do too much (her chores are to pick up her dirty clothes and to keep her part of the room tidy!).

After it starting out as such a small incident, it certainly blew up into massive proportions yesterday.  I was shocked at how easily she was could put it on and accuse Hubby of, well basically, abuse.  I find this incredibly disturbing and it makes me wonder how far this girl will go.  It is one thing saying things like this to another parent, but what if she says it to her friend's parents or a teacher at school.  These kids just don't realise how serious these lies can be.  It truly scares me.  I feel like I am watching a train wreck with this girl at the moment and as she is her mum's golden child her mum won't put her foot firmly down with her.  She needs discipline that she isn't getting from her mum.  At mum's house there aren't actually consequences for her behaviour.  Yesterday she lost her bike for the day and the promised trip to the shop for an icecream didn't happen, she didn't like that at all.  As hubby said yesterday, he thinks she is out of control at mum's house and mum is doing nothing about it.  All we can do at the moment is to sit back and see just how "open" these lines of communication are and keep close tabs on her while she is with us.

KIDS!!  I have never had a problem like this and was hoping to never have one but I guess with 6 kids it had to happen eventually right?


Tania @ Out Back said...

Oh boy, what a dilemma! I haven't had this problem with lying luckily, but I know kids that do. I am not saying my kids didn't lie, they did, but only little white adults they dont, which is good, because their dad (previous relationship) is a compulsive liar! I am glad I got out of that nightmare...

15 yo son doesn't lie that I am aware of, not yet anyway, that might be to come lol. I have always told him it is best to tell the truth, saves a lot of grief in the long run.

I have lost it many a time when my girls were young but after meeting Phil, he said "whats the point? It means they win if they see you lose control" I still have outbursts from time to time though, being female we are allowed to you know lol!

Good luck with miss 12, thankfully they do grow up and hopefully into decent people. Lying may follow her into adulthood though so it is good that you are doing something about it. I am thinking it may be an attention type thing when there are step families involved :)


Melissa Jane said...

I think you are doing a great job. It's enough for me to deal with my own two kids. kids are always going to see what they can get away with, but at least it's out there now for you guys and her Mum. I think you've dealt with it well.

OurGangof7 said...

Thank you girls!!
Yes I think on top of the lying which I believe is partly due to the girls she is hanging around with and partly because her mother is a bit of a compulsive liar, she is basically playing mum and dad off against each other. Thankfully I haven't had this much trouble in that sense with my own boys and lying has never been a problem (that I know of at least lol).
You are right though Tania, or rather Phil lol, if they see us lose control they do win, but yep we are girls, what can we do,,,,its the hormones lol.

nellymary said...

One of my boys has a friend who visits occasionally and stays over...everytime he stays, money goes missing...and eventually he puts it back after my big rants...I hate not trusting anyone...I've been there even with my own children...and your doing what is right for you...keep going...
Just saying...I can relate...

OurGangof7 said...

Hi and welcome Nellymary :-)
Yes my eldest son has a friend who doesn't come near our house now as he was my son's best mate but things would disappear around the time when he was here. At first we thought "No he would never do such a thing" but then after my younger son's necklace went missing and my eldest son found it at his mate's house alarm bells began ringing. Then my eldest boy discovered that his "best friend" had stolen his new ATM card which had been received while "Best friend" was staying and had been stealing it on a regular basis for a month, subsequently just about emptying the bank account. I exploded and he had to repay the money. Since then I just don't trust the boy at all.
Trust it is hard to build and even harder to regain.
Thank you for commenting! Sorry for the rant lol