You see, Josh was born with a condition called "Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome". It is basically where the left side of the heart doesn't form properly. This condition wasn't discovered until he was 4 days old. It was never noticed on any of the 3 ultrasounds that I had when pregnant, twice the sonographers made comment that he had such a nice strong heart beat and looked so healthy....little did they know!
When Josh was born his oxygen levels were low and they put him in an incubator saying that he would come right within the next 24 hours. Well he didn't and on Day 2 they began to look for causes. They couldn't find any reason and just kept saying he would be okay. It wasn't until Day 4 when the head Paediatrician was listening to his heartbeat with his stethoscope that he heard a heart murmur, none of the others had picked it up because Josh used to scream every time they had checked his heart and so it had been missed. This doctor just heard it faintly in between the cries. On this day he got sent to the Children's Hospital for an Echocardiogram, it was there they discovered the terrible truth for his bad oxygen levels.
We were given the news that basically we could take him home to die. At the time the heart operations they do now weren't very successful at all in this country (even now way too many little lives are lost to this condition) and his only hope would have been a heart transplant which they said we had basically no chance of getting. We got told to treasure every moment and let nature take its course.
I wanted to scream and throw things around the room when they told me...how could this happen, had I been that bad during my life to deserve this??
Josh lived for 10 days. Those are 10 days that I will never forget. The first 4 were filled with wonder and hopes and dreams for our little man we had just created, the last 6 were filled with clutching at every moment, every glance he would give us, every little windy smile, knowing that we would never get to see a real smile on his beautiful face.
On day 9 we realised that his breathing had become gaspy and we went back to the hospital, already knowing what they were going to say. He had gone into heart failure and now it was just a matter of time.
He managed to fight on for another 24 hours for us, our brave little fighter. But while we were in the special room at the hospital where we could stay together as a family waiting for the inevitable, he gave us this little look, it made his Dad and I laugh and within the next couple of minutes he began to really gasp and started to turn a strange colour. We hit the emergency button and one of the nurses ran in and just said to me "Hold him, just hold him honey". Our dear sweet little guy passed away in my arms, gone from this world but remaining forever in my heart.
His short life taught me to never take anything for granted. To be patient with others as you never know how much your smile or encouragement may mean to them. I look at the world differently now. I went on to have 4 more healthy boys, sadly my marriage to their father didn't last but I have remarried a wonderful man who himself has a stepson, a daughter and a son of his own.
I value every minute that I spend with my family and miss them so much when they aren't around. I think that is why I struggle when my husband goes away for work, I desperately hate goodbyes.
My Dad died when I was 17, I thought that was difficult enough to come through but losing your child brought a whole new meaning to the word devastation.
As you go through your life, never forget how fragile life can be. What we have today, may not be there tomorrow. Treasure every moment. I know reading my blog sometimes,it may sound like I don't, but my blog is my venting area where my frustrations come out. I certainly don't love my family any less. Every single moment spent with them is worthwhile, be they good or bad moments, its all an adventure in the game of life!!
Hug your family tight and never let the sun set on an argument!!!
