Monday, September 10, 2012

That Sinking Feeling......

Today was supposed to be kinda upbeat and sharing some pics that we took yesterday but this morning I struck a problem or two.  The first being that the pics we took yesterday are all on my hubby's work phone,,,,,,with him at work (that teaches me for leaving behind my phone AND my camera yesterday!) and the second being my mood is kind of glum today.

You know that feeling you get that things aren't going to turn out as you had planned, that is the one that I have.  You see, on the weekend we Skyped with my Ex and my two older boys in Adelaide.  As usual all 4 kids had little to say and the Ex and I just filled one another in on all the goings on with the kids etc.  He also informed me that he is enjoying having the boys with him and "might like to keep them".  Conversations lately have led me to the realisation that he won't be coming here to live.  I think he mainly said that he would, so I wouldn't feel so bad about moving here, and taking his boys away from him.  It seems like it is all going to be too hard for him now.  I mean, I don't blame him, why should he have to uproot his life just because my new Hubby got a job shift?  I get it I really do, add to that, the fact that his whole family is in Adelaide too.  BUT.....I desperately miss my boys and I really, really want them here with me.  Before they moved in with their Dad, their dad had said to me that he didn't know if he would cope, having been 7 years without having kids with him full time.  But he is enjoying having Mr17 and Mr15 with him.  The boys are enjoying being there too, I can see that.  Mr15 is due to come here in December, once the school year finishes and he is supposedly moving in with us then.  I am beginning to think he may not.  I know he doesn't want to move away from his friends and his soccer team (I understand this too).  Another reason for him wanting to stay is that he finds his younger brothers annoying as they do nothing but argue, which of course then I have to deal with and I get grumpy about it.  Living with his Dad must be bliss in comparison.  Mr17, well I have always had my doubts as to whether he would move here if his Dad didn't, and I truly don't think he will.

The way I am feeling at the moment is just like a part of me isn't here.  I can't seem to enjoy myself and give my all to this house and our new life because the kids aren't here.  I miss the stepkids too.  I miss the house full of kids every second weekend, I am even missing the not so fun stuff with Mr12 with Autism.  I am eagerly awaiting the school holidays so we can have them all here for 12 days but know that at the end we have to go through the heart wrenching goodbyes again.

I said to Hubby last night that this house doesn't feel like home and I can't make it feel like home with only the two kids here.  Our family has been torn apart and I can't fix it, I'm a Mum, I fix things and this is something I can't fix and it is so hard.  It is very hard to remain upbeat and not make Hubby feel like the big bad wolf in all of this.  He hates to see me upset because he does feel like it is all his fault but he remains adamant that this is where he needs to be "for our family", I on the other hand just cannot see that when half of our family is interstate and not with us for most of the time.

Mr17 finishes year 12 soon and will be entering the big wide world.  He will be looking for full time employment.  Once he has a full time job I will never see him.  He won't even be able to come over for school holidays.  He also has a girlfriend and I know that if that gets more serious, the last thing he will want to do in his holidays is to come and spend time with his Mum!

Moving away from my kids was never on my "to do list" of life.  Kids are meant to move away from their parents not the other way around.  Parents are supposed to be there for their kids.  I love being there for my kids.  I miss having a conversation and a laugh with my kids.  I feel like my 3 times a week phone call with them is nothing.  The conversation is strained and all one sided, if I don't hold the conversation up there is none.  I know this is just how they are on the phone, they always have been but it still hurts because I come off the phone feeling like they don't particularly care.  Mr15 said he doesn't miss me last night.  I know he didn't mean that to be hurtful, he just isn't (as he said) an emotional person and he just goes with the flow and settles in with whatever is going on.  As long as he has his friends, his xbox, his soccer and food, life is good.

I'm sorry for the sooky-la-la post this morning.  I'm not after sympathy I just needed to get if off my chest.  No one seems to get where I am coming from at the moment.  I think everything has just caught up with me today and I needed to vent.

Tomorrow will be better.....


Tania @ Out Back said...

Vent away Colleen.

Sorry I cant offer any advice on this problem. All I can say is that it will probably work itself out in the end...I went through this "empty nest" syndrome when the last of my three girls left home. Now there is only my 16yo son here. I cried bucket fulls for ages...but now I am used to the change and I dont think I could go back to a noisy household of screeching, fighting girls lol. Christmas time is bad enough when they all get together...and they are all well and truly adults now :)

In time you will adjust to your new life, it is early days yet. You will get to see them in holidays etc where you can make up for lost time :)

Best of luck, and chin up :)


Niki said...

I understand you totally Colleen. My eldest is 16 a he is bloody hard work, has been since a baby. Beautiful kid just chooses the hard road every single time. This move the country I dream about is tarnished by him not wanting to come & the only option is to go without him or stay. If we stay , he is at an age where he will basically be using the house for a bed & a feed & then out again with his mates & girlfriend & half the time he grunts anyway. I know he loves us, but I also know he craves some independence & time away from his full on little brothers.I am scared we will move to the country & then all I will do is cry & keep coming back up to the city to see him. I adore him & I will miss him very much, he finds me annoying & overprotective-go figure. I wonder if I will able to fill the hole. So yeah I get ya. Specially when you are used to a house crammed with kids & all of a sudden that is not the case.
Hang in there. It will get better & to be honest, the older boys are ready to spread their wings. It hurts, but it is the way of life.

Joolzmac said...

I was so sad to read your post - it's not bloody fair, is it? I don't have any solutions either as I've never been in that position but just know that we are feeling for you. I guess this is a just a new chapter in this part of your life and you need to be strong, even if life seems cruel. Deep down I bet your boys miss you too.

Hugs, Joolz